As a child, nothing felt more unfair than when my sibling received something I didn’t. Whether it was a special outing, a new toy, or a slightly bigger slice of cake, it felt like the universe had tilted off balance. As the other sibling, it was hard to understand why I wasn’t given exactly the same. But as a parent, I’ve come to realize that what children perceive as unfair is often simply a reflection of their individual needs.
I now see that each of my children is different, with unique personalities, desires, and requirements. What one child needs may not be what another needs at all, and meeting those needs requires something beyond a rigid sense of fairness. Instead, it calls for understanding, flexibility, and love — a love that treats them differently, but loves them all the same. This evolution in perspective, I believe, mirrors the stories of our biblical forefathers and their relationships with their children.
The relationship between Abraham and his two sons, Ishmael and Isaac, reveals a profound struggle between love and destiny. Abraham loved both of his sons, but the circumstances surrounding their upbringing were drastically different. When Ishmael mocked Isaac, Sarah insisted that he and Hagar be sent away. Abraham, deeply distressed, was faced with a heart-wrenching choice. Ultimately, he followed God’s instruction to let them go, sending them off with bread and water.
Despite the pain of this decision, a moment of profound reassurance comes from God’s response. In Genesis 21:17-18, after Ishmael and Hagar are lost and in distress in the desert, God hears Ishmael’s cries and promises a future for him:
Although Ishmael’s path diverges from Isaac’s, he is not forgotten or unloved. This passage underscores that different treatment does not imply less love. God’s care and promise for Ishmael illustrate that every child, regardless of their circumstances, is cherished and has a unique place in the world.
The story of Isaac, Rebekah, and their twin sons, Jacob and Esau, offers another lens through which we can examine the dynamic of unequal treatment. Isaac favored Esau, the rugged hunter, while Rebekah preferred the more introspective Jacob. This favoritism ultimately led to a moment of deception, where Jacob, guided by his mother, tricked his father into giving him the blessing meant for Esau.
At first glance, this story seems to be a tale of favoritism gone wrong. Yet, from Rebekah’s perspective, her actions were driven by her prophetic understanding of Jacob’s role in carrying forward the legacy of their family. Rebekah didn’t love Esau any less, but she recognized that Jacob’s needs — and indeed his future — required different actions on her part. This is a poignant reminder that treating children differently does not always stem from favoritism; sometimes it is about understanding their purpose and responding to their needs accordingly.
Perhaps one of the most famous examples of unequal treatment in the Bible is Jacob’s relationship with his twelve sons, particularly with Joseph. Jacob’s love for Joseph was clear to everyone, as evidenced by the special coat of many colors he gave him. His brothers’ jealousy over this favoritism ultimately led them to sell Joseph into slavery. After Joseph’s presumed death, Jacob’s favoritism shifted to his youngest son, Benjamin, who became the center of his concern.
Jacob’s treatment of his children reflects the complexity of balancing love with the individual needs of each child. In Joseph, he saw the son of his old age, a child of promise. After Joseph was lost, Jacob poured his protective instincts into Benjamin. This wasn’t a lack of love for his other sons, but a reflection of the deep emotional bonds he shared with those two sons who represented the more fragile and beloved parts of his heart.
The stories of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob illustrate a profound truth about parenting and love: equality in treatment is not always the same as equality in love. Each child has unique needs, paths, and purposes, and our approach to each one should reflect these differences. This is captured in the verse in Proverbs which instructs us to teach each child “according to his way”:
Our approach to each child should be tailored to their individual needs and personalities. That much is clear. But the stories of our forefathers remind us that while our love for our children is constant, our methods and support must adapt to each child’s unique circumstances.
In my own experience as a parent, I’ve learned that fairness does not always mean giving the same to each child. Instead, it means understanding and addressing their individual needs. Just as our patriarchs did with their children, we must strive to love each one according to their way, ensuring that our love, though expressed differently, remains steadfast and true.
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