What makes a marriage work? In our age of instant connections and digital dating, this ancient question remains as relevant as ever. A fascinating insight from the Bible might hold a key to understanding successful relationships, drawn from a story that resonates powerfully even in our modern world of dating apps and matchmaking websites.
When the biblical patriarch Abraham sought a wife for his son Isaac, he made what seems at first glance to be a puzzling choice:
Rather than seeking a local match from among the Canaanites, he sent his trusted servant Eliezer on a long journey to his ancestral homeland. This decision raises an intriguing question: Why travel so far when both communities – Canaan and Haran – were equally steeped in idol worship?
The renowned 19th-century Jewish thinker, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, offers a profound insight that speaks volumes about the nature of character and relationships. He explains that Abraham’s decision wasn’t about religious beliefs at all – it was about something far more fundamental: moral character.
According to Rabbi Hirsch, idol worship, while certainly problematic, is primarily an intellectual error – a mistaken belief that can be corrected through education and understanding. However, moral corruption is something far more insidious. It seeps into every aspect of a person’s being, affecting their values, behaviors, and core identity. It is like a corrupted operating system that affects everything running on it.
Abraham’s careful approach bore fruit. When Eliezer arrived in Haran, he prayed for divine guidance:
He then devised a test of character, seeking a young woman who would not only offer him water but would voluntarily extend her kindness to his camels as well. The result was the discovery of Rebecca, who demonstrated the character that Abraham sought. Her immediate response exceeded all expectations:
Rabbi Hirsch reveals another layer of Abraham’s wisdom in his careful instructions to his servant. Abraham used two distinct phrases that set out the criteria for his son’s future wife in verse 4 above. First, she needed to be “for my son” – worthy of joining the family and becoming like a daughter to Abraham himself. This spoke to her fundamental character. However, she also needed to be specifically “for Isaac” – compatible with his unique personality and nature. Rabbi Hirsch notes that two people can both be of excellent character and still not be right for each other. Abraham understood that lasting love requires both shared values and personal compatibility.
This sophisticated understanding of matchmaking was revolutionary for its time and remains striking in its modernity. Abraham recognized that a successful marriage isn’t just about finding someone of good character – though that’s essential – but about finding someone whose personality complements and enhances your own.
In a world often fixated on external qualities and superficial connections, these timeless Jewish teachings remind us of two crucial truths: character counts – perhaps now more than ever – and even the most virtuous individuals need to be personally compatible to build a successful life together. Whether we’re seeking our own life partner or advising others in their search, this ancient wisdom offers a balanced framework that values both moral character and personal chemistry.
The message is clear: look for someone who can not only be part of your family but also be your true partner – your other half who complements who you are while sharing your fundamental values. In the language of Rabbi Hirsch, seek both “a pearl for your home” and a soul that resonates with your own.
The success of this approach is beautifully captured in the Torah’s description of the marriage:
The Hebrew Bible is a very big book – actually, 24 books, to be exact. Studying it can feel very overwhelming. Where do you start?
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