In his classic work Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy describes Levin’s reaction to the birth of his first child. While those around him repeatedly extolled the baby’s beauty, Levin himself felt only squeamishness and pity – feelings he had not expected upon holding his child for the first time. But then the baby suddenly sneezed, and Levin began to smile, hardly able to hold back his tears:
“What he felt for this small being was not at all what he had expected. There was nothing happy or joyful in this feeling; on the contrary, there was a new tormenting fear. There was an awareness of a new region of vulnerability. And this awareness was so tormenting at first, the fear lest this helpless being should suffer was so strong, that because of it he scarcely noticed the strange feeling of senseless joy and even pride he had experienced when the baby sneezed.” (Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina)
In these few lines, Tolstoy captures the raw emotions of parenthood: an intense, irrational feeling of love and pride, combined with the frightening vulnerability of knowing that when a child suffers, the parent suffers equally. Children may grow up and leave the home, but a parent’s incessant love for and anxiety over a child’s well-being knows no end.
By and large, even appreciative and loving children do not experience a corresponding intensity of emotion towards their parents. Rav Yitzchak Meir Alter, a 19th century Hassidic Rabbi suggests that this fundamental imbalance of love between parents and children sheds light on one of the dramatic moments the book of Genesis. When Viceroy Joseph’s golden goblet was found in Benjamen’s pack, Benjamen was faced with the prospect of a life of servitude in Egypt. Judah pleaded for mercy on Benjamen’s behalf, arguing that if Benjamen did not return to the land of Israel, his father Jaacob would die of heartbreak:
Judah’s argument is strange; at that time, Benjamen already had ten children of his own. Why didn’t Judah plead with Joseph to free Benjamen for the sake of Benjamen’s ten children? If Benjamen did not return from Egypt, these ten children would essentially become orphans with no means of support!
Rav Alter explains Judah’s reasoning simply but poignantly; Judah focused on the terrible pain that Jaacob would experience should Benjamen not return home, because that pain – the pain of a bereaved father – would outweigh the suffering of Benjamen’s children. Ten children can survive without a father, but a father cannot live without even one of his ten (remaining) sons. Rav Alter’s insight into human nature is only more powerful when considered in light of his own personal experiences. He and his wife Feigele raised fourteen children, but almost all of them died during infancy or during Rav Alter’s lifetime. He knew, personally, the endless capacity of a parent to suffer for a child.
Perhaps it is this emotional imbalance that lies at the root of the commandment to honor one’s parents – Kibbud Av V’em. Children, whose love for their parents is naturally less intense than their parents’ love for them, require the prodding of a commandment to properly care for their parents.
But parents need no encouragement.
Hashem Oz L’Amo Yiten – May God give strength to his people, and to the parents of the soldiers bravely fighting for the Land of Israel. The weight of worry and pride carried by these families demands exceptional fortitude. May they be granted the resilience to face each day, drawing upon both inner reserves and divine support during these challenging times.
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